Extra Dirty Page 26

  “Then kiss me,” Cam said.

  Jesse raised an eyebrow and leaned in to press their lips together. It was sweet and tender, with an undercurrent of need snaking through it. They kissed for several long moments. It was hello, and I’ve missed you, and I’m sorry all wrapped into one. Cam’s chest felt very full when they pulled apart.

  Jesse rubbed his stubble against Cam’s cheek, and Cam held him tighter. “I want to talk soon,” Jesse said, his voice soft. “There’s a lot to clear up.”

  “Yeah, me too,” Cam said.

  “But I need to call Sara and see if there’s any news.”

  “I haven’t heard anything, so I suspect no news is good news,” Cam said and shushed Jesse, who drew breath to speak. “I’m not saying we need to talk before you check with them. I just wanted you to know.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Even if we can’t talk for a few days or a week, or however long you need to deal with this crisis, it doesn’t matter. I’m not going anywhere,” Cam said. “I’m here for you and your family. We’ll figure out the rest later.”

  “Thank you.” Jesse leaned in for another kiss. “Give me a few?”

  “Of course.”

  Cam returned to the kitchen while Jesse made his call. Cam could hear the gentle rise and fall of his voice. It was too faint to make out the words, but Cam felt reassured knowing he was close.

  Jesse appeared in the doorway a short while later.

  “I spoke to my mom and Eric. They told me in no uncertain terms I am not to come to the hospital yet.” Jesse looked vaguely grumpy. “But Eric said we could visit later. Also, I asked him if he was okay, and he said, and I quote, ‘Slow your roll, kid, or you’ll give me another migraine.’”

  “That sounds promising,” Cam said.

  Jesse nodded. “The head pain is gone and the speech issues have cleared up. A sense of humor is always a good thing. In fact—” A growl from his stomach cut him off, loud enough for Cam to hear. He held a hand over his abdomen. “Scratch that. I need food before I do anything else.”

  “I had breakfast delivered,” Cam said. “Bagels and cream cheese arrived while you were still asleep.”

  Jesse grabbed Cam’s face in his hands and pressed a smacking kiss to his lips. “You are a prince among men.”

  “I try.”

  Cam fetched the refrigerated ingredients and assembled a plate. Jesse liked lox on bagels, so he’d ordered that with all the accompaniments, but Jesse’s expression became pensive while Cam worked.

  “Shall we talk?” Jesse asked after he’d eaten half of his food. Cam had devoured his own breakfast earlier.

  “If you’re ready,” Cam said.

  “I am.” Jesse wet his lips. “And I want to say I’m sorry I stayed away for so long,” he said. “But that’s not precisely true.”

  Cal swallowed hard, reeling a little from the statement. “Okay.”

  “Being in London gave me time to think. And to see Isaac.”

  A sliver of worry worked its way in and lodged in Cam’s chest. “He’s your ex, right?”

  “Yes.” Jesse wiped his mouth. “But if you’re thinking it’s because I wanted to reconcile with him, you’d be wrong.”

  Cam blinked. “Did Kyle tell you I was worried?”

  Jesse gave him a rueful, sad smile. “Yes. But I also know what your face looks like when you’re hurt and concerned, and that’s exactly what it looks like at the moment.”

  Cam nodded. Jesse wasn’t wrong. Even though Kyle had assured Cam there was nothing between him and Isaac, he’d needed to hear it from Jesse. “If you didn’t want to reconcile with Isaac…”

  “I met him and his boyfriend at their place for drinks and dinner. Isaac and I had an opportunity to clear up some lingering things. It made me realize you and I have a lot to talk about.”

  “Yeah, we do,” Cam agreed.

  “You know Kyle brought me up to date on the situation with Taryn.” Jesse rubbed at his stubble, and Cam wondered if he missed his beard. Cam did, although Jesse looked handsome no matter what. “That you had no knowledge of the drugs, and she’d made up the thing about the bet.”

  Cam worried his bottom lip with his teeth. “I still feel terrible about that night. I never imagined she’d do either of those things. I know Under is your sanctuary, and I hate that I brought her there and—”

  “It’s okay, Cam. I don’t blame you. But it hurt knowing you immediately assumed I’d sleep with her,” Jesse said, his tone raw.

  “I know,” Cam said. “I shouldn’t have leapt to conclusions.”

  “And I hate that I wind up hurting people I care about.” Jesse’s frown deepened.

  “While you were in London, I realized some things, too. I’ve kind of had one foot out the door because I expected you to move on. For you to find your next shiny, pretty new thing that caught your attention.”

  Jesse winced.

  “I knew when you did, it would hurt.”

  “I know. I can’t blame you, given my history.” Jesse looked remorseful. “In the past, that’s what I’ve done. I pushed people away before things got too serious.”

  Cam stayed silent for a moment. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Of course.”

  “When I said I wanted more with you, what did you think that meant?”

  “Oh, God. I don’t know.” Jesse tilted his head back and stared up at the ceiling. “You talked about what Eric and Sara have, and you said you didn’t want to tie me down. You made it clear what we were doing didn’t work for you anymore. And that you wanted commitment. I inferred you wanted the whole heteronormative deal. Marriage. A family. Whatever it is most people are so desperate to find.” He swallowed. “I’m not, Cam. I’ve never wanted that. Most of the time, I’m very, very happy to not be like everyone else. But sometimes, in the process of being me, I hurt people. And the last person I wanted to hurt was you. I’m sorry for that.”

  “I know. And I don’t think I was clear,” Cam admitted. “I said I wanted a relationship, but I didn’t mean you had to sacrifice your freedom completely, Jes. Or change who you are.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Using Sara and Eric was a bad example. Maybe it’s because I don’t know any couples who have what I want,” he explained. “So, I don’t have anyone to compare it to.”

  Jesse rubbed his forehead. “I feel like we’re talking in circles again, Cam. Be candid with me. Tell me what would make you happy.”

  Cam took a deep breath. “Knowing that at the end of the day, I’m the person you come home to. If something happens with your family, I’m the one you call. I’m the one you rely on.”

  Jesse nodded. “I’d expect that from you, too, Cam.”

  “Of course.”

  “Are you suggesting living together?”

  “Yeah. At some point. It wouldn’t have to be right away. But I’d want to eventually.” Cam held his breath, unsure if Jesse could be on board with that.

  “Rings?”

  Cam shook his head. “No. I don’t want kids, either. I had plenty of that living at home after my mom had the twins. God knows, I get enough kid time at work, too.”

  “And there’s Carter’s kids,” Jesse offered.

  “Yes. And you’re about to have a niece or nephew,” Cam added. “We could play uncle whenever we want, but I don’t want to raise a family.”

  “Good. I don’t either,” Jesse said. “But I need you to be clear about what you’re looking for.”

  “I don’t know,” Cam said, feeling frustrated. “I do know I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. You matter to me, Jes. I don’t want to lose you.”

  “You matter to me, too, Cam, and I don’t want to lose you, either. But I can’t agree to something if I don’t know what it is.”

  “I know. I’m struggling to explain what I’m looking for.”

  “So, let’s go over what we do agree on. We’d live together. Someday,” Jesse said. Cam nodded. “And we’d
be what to each other?”

  “Partners?” Cam supplied. “People who care about each other and want to make each other happy.”

  Jesse breathed in and out. “Yeah. Okay. I can live with that.”

  “It sounds like there’s a ‘but’ there.”

  “Yeah, a big one. You say you want me to come home to you, but I don’t think I’m wired to be with one person for the rest of my life, Cam. Even if I wanted to, I—”

  “No, that’s what I’ve been trying to say. I don’t need monogamy,” Cam said.

  Jesse’s brow furrowed. “You’re sure?”

  “Yes. I’ve thought about it a lot.” Cam licked his lips, trying to figure out how to explain it. “I don’t think you fucking someone else means you care about me less.”

  “Okay.” Jesse rubbed his chin. “This isn’t you sacrificing your needs to be with me, right?”

  “No, it’s not. Hell, I like the idea of still being able to hook up with someone else. Like we did with Kyle. That was great. When we hooked up with Kyle, I felt closer to you, not further apart.”

  “Okay. We’d only do it together then?” Jesse asked. “Because it sounds like that’s what you would prefer.” He frowned.

  “No. We could keep doing stuff on our own as well. I do want to talk about how to make that work, though. Because I need to know when push comes to shove, I’m your priority.”

  Cam stared at Jesse, hoping he understood what Cam was trying to say. He didn’t care if he shared him with other people. But he had to know where he stood with Jesse. That was the deal breaker for him.

  “I don’t want you to doubt you’re a priority to me,” Jesse said. “But the idea of anything outside of sex between us being restricted to one particular box completely goes against who I am.”

  “I know. And I swear I’m not trying to change you. I just want to figure out a way you can still be you and yet we can be together.”

  “But anyone else I got involved with would be just sex then, right?”

  “I doubt it. Not with everyone you got involved with.” Cam shrugged. “I don’t think that’s the way you operate. A lot of the people you have sex with are your friends. Hell, I know you love Kyle, so that means it would be more than sex with him. I’m fine with that.”

  “Will and Isaac said nearly the same thing to me.” Jesse sounded annoyed they’d discovered something about him he hadn’t known himself.

  “What I’m trying to say is that if Kyle hops into bed with us sometimes, great,” Cam continued. “If you want to blow him at the bar, go for it. If you meet some hot guy you want to go home with, I’m on board. Hell, I don’t want to stop you from being with women, if that’s what you want.”

  Jesse blinked at him. “You’re not attracted to women. How would that even work?”

  “I don’t know. I’m not sleeping with them, so that’s up to you, I guess.” Cam smiled. “But if you wanted to make it a group thing, maybe we could find a couple. You could fuck the woman while I fuck her boyfriend. Honestly, I haven’t worked out every detail yet. I’m still trying to figure this out in my head.”

  “You’re sure you can handle me fucking someone without you there?”

  “Yes.” Jesse looked relieved, but there were several more things Cam wanted to clear up. “Would you be okay with agreeing to come home to me after?”

  “I could do that. Would you want to know about it? I mean, if I’m staying out late with someone, I’d let you know, but would you want details after?”

  Cam bit his lip. The thought was unexpectedly hot. “I think I would. And who knows? We both know I’ll meet someone I’d want to hook up with. I suspect I’d be doing that less often than you, but I’m not ruling it out. At all.”

  Jesse sat back, a little of the tension in his shoulders disappearing. “Knowing you’d go off with someone else on your own is a relief to me.”

  “Because it feels more equal?”

  “Sure, but also because it makes me feel sure you’re doing this because you want to and not trying to change yourself just to be with me.”

  “I can understand that. But, Jesse, you’re the first guy I’ve wanted any kind of long-term partnership with. The idea of still having freedom and flexibility as part of that is a relief, not a concession.” Cam hesitated. “Having said that, there’s one more thing I want to ask. What do you think about putting any solo hookups on hold for a little while so we can work on straightening things out between us first? We’ve done a terrible job communicating up until now, and I just think maybe it wouldn’t hurt to focus on us for a little bit while we figure all of this out.”

  Jesse stayed silent for a moment, obviously mulling over the idea, before he slowly nodded. “Yeah, I think that makes a lot of sense. Make sure we’re solid, first.”

  “Exactly,” Cam said, feeling relieved. “We’re not going to have a relationship like the rest of the world. We can make the rules up as we go. And find things that will satisfy both of us. I need to be sure where I stand with you. I can’t have doubts about your feelings for me. Or that you want a future with me.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  Jesse took Cam’s hand, his heart hammering wildly. Jesus, he was terrified, and for so many reasons.

  “Don’t doubt that I have feelings for you, Cam. I do. Big, Hollywood-sign-sized fucking feelings, to tell you the truth, and I’m not embarrassed to admit it.” Of course, his words made Cam smile. Heat flooded Jesse’s face, and he barely managed not to roll his eyes at himself.

  “I also have no idea what I’m doing.” He worried his bottom lip between his teeth for a moment. “And I’m a little scared right now.”

  Cam’s expression softened. “Why? What are you afraid of?”

  “That I’ll fuck up. That I’ll do something wrong and let you down. It wouldn’t be the first time.” Jesse’s voice caught, and he cut his gaze away from Cam’s. “You keep telling me to be me, but I’m not sure I know how to do that but also be the man you want.”

  “Hey, you didn’t let me down.” Cam tugged his hand free and raised it to Jesse’s cheek. “I was being pig-headed and hiding things, and that didn’t help. You’re already the man I want. I like you the way you are, and I don’t want you to change.”

  “Yeah, you say that now, and the next time I bang a cocktail waitress, you’ll be ready to smother me in my sleep with my pillow,” Jesse muttered. He smiled at Cam’s burst of laughter, but his nerves were still getting the best of him. “Seriously, man, I’m kind of flying blind here.”

  “I know. So am I.” Cam slipped his arms around his shoulders in a loose hug. Jesse leaned in, grateful for the contact, and slid his hands under the hem of Cam’s T-shirt.

  “I know this is new territory for you—it is for both of us. The guys I’ve dated were great and all, but I never pursued anything like a real partnership with any of them,” Cam said. Now he sounded abashed, but his pretty eyes were filled with warmth.

  “And you’ve decided you want that with me, huh?” Jesse meant to tease, but he grimaced for real and gave Cam a gentle squeeze. “I hope you know what you’re getting into—this is going to be one hell of a work in progress.”

  “I think it’ll take both of us time to figure out how it all fits together,” Cam replied. “And I’m okay with that.”

  “Well, then I think I should warn you there will be days you hate me.”

  “I don’t think that’s possible,” Cam started but fell silent when Jesse shook his head.

  “Unfortunately, I have some experience with this. Isaac and I tried to make things work, and when we couldn’t, it got ugly. He became bitter and angry, and I know for a fact there were days he hated me. By the end, I’m sure it was a relief for him to break things off.”

  Cam’s expression grew troubled. “I’m not Isaac.”

  Despite the heavy vibe of their conversation, that made Jesse grin. “I know. But I’m still me, and I will get things wrong. I need to know you’ll have patience enough to at le
ast try to see past the fuckups and know I’m trying to get it right. I need you to stick around to work on the problems with me.”

  He leaned forward until his forehead met Cam’s. “Keep talking to me, Cam, even if only to tell me I’m the biggest bonehead in the city. I don’t think I’m up to chasing you down and being pushed away again,” he said, his voice low.

  Cam exhaled through his nose. “I wouldn’t do that to you. I promise not to take off, either.” He brushed his lips over Jesse’s. “I’ll keep talking if you do the same.”

  Jesse pulled back enough to raise a brow. “You’re encouraging me to talk more than I already do?”

  “About how you feel, yes,” Cam got out over a snort of laughter. “You’re not the only one who’s bound to screw up, and I need you to clue me in if you don’t like the way something’s gone down. You called me out for being flighty a couple of times this summer, but I had no idea you were having big, scary feelings. I might have done things differently if I’d known. Instead, I thought for sure I was a blip on your radar. Suddenly, you were standing in my classroom yelling at me, and I didn’t know where any of it was even coming from.”

  “I wasn’t supposed to be having big, scary feelings,” Jesse replied. “Neither of us was. I didn’t even know if I could bring them up, never mind how. Plus, I’d just started to figure things the fuck out when you ghosted.”

  Cam wrinkled his nose, but Jesse’s phone chimed then, and Jack Black’s wailing guitar filled the air. Jesse’s anxiety levels jumped.

  “That’s Sara,” he said.

  Cam kissed him quickly and let him go. “Go on—we can talk more later.” He stood and started clearing away the breakfast remains.

  Jesse connected the call. “Hey, girl.”

  “Hey. You still thinking of coming down here?” Sara’s voice sounded steady, but also thick with emotion, and Jesse had to force himself to stay seated and calm.

  “Of course. Everything okay? You’re not alone, are you?”

  “No, I’m not. Your mom and dad are here, and my parents are on their way from my place now. Eric is so much better today. His motor issues are mostly gone, and the physical therapist has him out of bed. He’s been walking around the halls with only a little help.” Sara chuckled. “Your brother’s looking damned proud of himself, Jes. I’m guessing he likes being vertical again!”