Extra Dirty Page 24

  “Would you care for a glass of wine? I got it into my head to mix cocktails tonight, but then Isaac reminded me of your speakeasy venture, and I decided to quit while still ahead.” He raised his brows. “Unless you’d like to mix some up yourself?”

  “Oh, wow, that’s very flattering, but I’m completely okay with wine.” Jesse held up both hands. “Mixing drinks at the bar is more a hobby for me. Under’s real mixologist is my business partner, Kyle.”

  “How is Kyle?” Isaac placed the gift boxes on the counter, a safe distance from where Darshan was pouring. “And how did the two of you hit on this idea to open a blind pig in the Bronx?”

  Jesse murmured his thanks as Darshan handed him a glass, then looked back to Isaac. “Under is in Morningside Heights, dude. That’s Manhattan.”

  “Barely,” Isaac teased. He gestured toward the door that led to the garden. “Let’s go out so Darsh can show off his honeyberry bushes.”

  Jesse sat with Isaac and Darshan in the quiet shade of their outdoor space, and the last of his nerves slipped away. Their conversation flowed smoothly, punctuated with banter and laughter instead of awkward pauses, and set him at ease. When the time came for Darshan to leave, Isaac walked him out and left Jesse in the garden, feeling oddly content. Guilt edged his happy buzz, however, and a sense of loss fell over him. He and Isaac had spent too much time hiding from each other.

  Jesse frowned. He’d chosen not to bridge the gap that had opened between them after Isaac had called things off, which was unlike him. He should have made an effort to keep their friendship intact instead of allowing his injured feelings to get in the way.

  You’re letting your feelings get in the way of making things right with Cam.

  He sipped his wine. His inner voice had a point. Yes, Cam had hurt him, but, from what Kyle said, Cam was hurting, too. As a friend, Jesse owed it to Cam to hear him out. Hell, Jesse owed it to himself. He just needed to get over himself and take that first step.

  “You look shell-shocked.”

  Jesse glanced back up at Isaac’s drawl and stood. “I think I might be, yeah. After the way you and I parted, I guess I anticipated more strife, maybe?”

  “You do love the drama.” Isaac crossed the garden toward Jesse, his face stern, but the tips of his ears turned red, a telltale sign of embarrassment. “I fed into it, too. I blamed you after we split and talked about it to anyone who would listen.”

  Jesse grunted. “I get it, but way to be a dick, Isaac.”

  “I know. Carter got the brunt of it, the poor man.” He winced when Jesse’s mouth fell open. “I hope you understand how much he cares about you because anyone who puts up with that level of self-pitying bullshit from their friend’s ex is a damned good friend.”

  “I had no idea,” Jesse admitted. He’d known Carter and Isaac had stayed in touch after the breakup but not how deep their communications had gone. “Carter never said a thing.”

  “I’m not surprised—I’m sure he thought I’d regret spilling my guts after things settled down. Which I did.” Isaac pursed his lips. “But I was just as much to blame for things going bad. Maybe more so. I spent so much time lying to everyone about who I was I didn’t know where the truth ended and the lies began. I turned my guilt about it on you, and that wasn’t fair.”

  Jesse furrowed his brows. “I think you’re being too hard on yourself. No one should be forced to come out, and I know I didn’t always deal well with having to hide.”

  “You were only being yourself.” Isaac gave him a crooked smile. “I used to envy you that ability. You’re so sure about who you are.”

  “Yeah, well. Unfortunately, it makes it easy for me to hurt people. I try hard to avoid it, but I make mistakes.”

  “Did that happen with me?”

  “Yeah.” Jesse swallowed. “And for what it’s worth, I hurt myself, too.”

  Isaac stayed silent for a long moment. “I know,” he said at last. “That’s one of the reasons I couldn’t keep hating you. Maybe our timing was off, or maybe we just weren’t meant to be more than friends with benefits. It’s obvious now you and I were never going to work long term. I think we both wanted it to work, though, right?”

  Jesse’s throat tightened up. He nodded without speaking, and Isaac’s face filled with sympathy.

  “It took a while for me to be ready to let go being angry and hurt, Jes, but once I did—”

  “You got past it,” Jesse finished. They shared a knowing glance. “You may find this hard to believe, but I understand where you’re coming from.”

  Isaac shook his head slowly. “I don’t find that hard to believe at all.”

  They carried their drinks inside then, and Isaac forced Jesse to sit at the dining table while he plated up their curry. It tasted delicious, exactly as Jesse remembered and even more comforting. The hominess of the meal and Isaac’s company pinged the buttons in him that missed New York.

  “So, the radio acquisition thing should be finished this week, right?” Isaac asked after they’d cleared the table and prepared dessert and coffee.

  “Barring anything catastrophic, yes.”

  Jesse carried their coffee cups to the table while Isaac plucked two spoons from a drawer. He went to the freezer for what he’d already promised would be an amazing ice cream experience. He slid back into his seat and placed a bowl in front of Jesse.

  “Honeyberry ice cream,” he said. “I learned how to make it after Darsh got obsessed with those damned bushes.”

  Jesse groaned around the explosion of vanilla bean and intense fruit flavors in his mouth. “Bless you both because damn. This is like the best blueberry ice cream I’ve ever had, times one thousand.”

  “Glad you like it.” Isaac chuckled. “Anyway, I expect you’ll be going back to New York soon, but do you have time to get together before then? I would love you and Darsh to get to know each other better.”

  “Sure, no problem. I don’t have a firm return date,” Jesse explained. “I talked to Eric about taking a break following the radio deal. I haven’t traveled in Europe for pleasure in forever, and it’d be good for me to do it before Sara has the baby and Eric disappears into a black hole of parenthood.”

  “Your brother’s going to love being a dad, I’m sure. But is that the only reason you’re sticking around?” Isaac gave Jesse a searching look. “You seem… I’m not sure. Wistful, I think. I’m not conceited enough to think it’s about me, so am I wrong in thinking you’re putting off going back?”

  “Eh.” Jesse examined his ice cream. “You’re not wrong. Some stuff went down before I flew out here to close the deal. Part of me thinks staying away is better for everyone involved.”

  “Boy trouble, huh?”

  Jesse snapped his gaze up to meet Isaac’s. “Mostly, yeah. How’d you guess?”

  Isaac smiled. “When we were dating, I noticed you’d get a lot closer to your male lovers than female. As much as you love women, you give a lot more of yourself—of your heart—to the men in your life. What happened?” he asked. “You got close to someone, and it didn’t work out?”

  “It wasn’t supposed to go that far,” Jesse replied slowly. “The guy, Cam, and I talked about it a lot at the beginning. We both wanted something fun and light. Nothing heavy, nothing serious. That worked for a while. Until it changed and started feeling serious. And I didn’t mind.”

  Isaac took his hand over the table, but Jesse saw nothing but kindness in his handsome face. His chest went tight. “I don’t know how to feel about this, Isaac.”

  “Have you told him?”

  Jesse bit out a hard laugh. “No.”

  “I think you should.”

  “I’m not sure I can. Cam told me he didn’t want to see me anymore because he thought I’d hurt him. Which I would because I’m me, right? Everyone knows I’m not the guy you take home to meet your parents.” Jesse’s gut dropped at the idea of what Cam’s parents would think if they ever met him.

  “The problem is, I don’t know
how to be Cam’s friend without wanting more. And I do want more, even though I know I shouldn’t.”

  Isaac’s expression grew troubled. “What makes you say that?”

  Jesse narrowed his eyes at his friend. “Come on, man. You’re the last person I should have to explain this to. I’m terrible at relationships. I don’t even want them!”

  “Are you sure? Because for a man so determined to be an emotional island, you have a lot of up close and personal friends.”

  “Friends and lovers are two separate things,” Jesse scoffed. “I don’t sleep with all my friends, and I’m sure as fuck not friends with everyone I sleep with.”

  “Now that is a lie,” Isaac fired back. He frowned. “You absolutely make friends with everyone you sleep with on the regular, Jes. That’s one of the reasons no one’s strangled you with their bare hands by now, you know. Everyone likes you too goddamned much to stay mad at you!”

  “That is patently untrue, and, again, you of all people would know.” Jesse’s laughter faded. “Cam wasn’t only my friend. For me, there was more between us. Maybe for him, too. Like…like the way things were with you and me, but even bigger.” He swallowed as Isaac pressed his lips together in a grim line.

  “We both know how well that turned out between you and me, Isaac,” he said, his voice gentle. “I couldn’t give you a ring or a white wedding or a house in the ’burbs, and I hated disappointing you. I don’t want to disappoint Cam, too.”

  Isaac watched him, and the pain that flashed in his eyes eased. “You sound awfully sure you’re going to fail, but I don’t understand why. Did Cam ever ask you for a ring or a wedding or a country life?”

  “Not in so many words, no. But he made it clear that what we’ve been doing doesn’t work for him anymore. He wants commitment. Things I can’t give him. Those were his exact words.” Jesse shrugged. “Any fool could make the inference.”

  “I don’t think you should infer anything.” Isaac squeezed his fingers. “So, Cam wants more from you than a casual fuck. Why can’t the two of you work that out? You make it work with Kyle. You made it work with Carter, too, when you two were fooling around, and he’s still one of your closest friends.”

  “What I have with Kyle and had with Carter is different from what I had with you.”

  “No, sweetheart, it isn’t.” Isaac gave him a gentle look. “You have deep, loving connections with them that go beyond sex. You love them. Maybe that love isn’t conventionally romantic, but the emotions are true. I got to know Kyle pretty well when you and I were together, and from the things he said, he doesn’t expect anything from you that you’re not willing to give. He’d never ask, either. He’s happy with you as you are. So is Carter. His heart belonged to Riley, and it didn’t hurt him to share you with other people. You helped him figure out how to be happy with a new life and let him go when the time came because you wanted the best for him.”

  Isaac’s face shifted into a frown. “I didn’t know how to handle my connection with you. How to handle you, if I’m being totally truthful. How to live and love in the moment and be happy with that. And that’s down to me, Jes. I didn’t want to admit it back then, but we both know you and I weren’t right for each other.”

  Jesse nudged his ice cream away. Isaac’s words actually hurt his heart. They were true, however.

  “You’re right. But I’m not sure I’m right for Cam, either. I don’t know what he wants from me anymore.”

  “You never will unless you talk to him.” Isaac patted Jesse’s hand before he let go. “Tell me what happened.”

  * * * *

  In the days following his dinner with Isaac, Jesse moved through the world with renewed energy. Talking everything over with his ex had left him both drained and relieved in the best way. They’d put the last of their ghosts to rest and could truly be friends without regret. He still wasn’t sure how to deal with Cam or even if he wanted to face Cam yet. However, Jesse knew for certain he didn’t want to lose the connection between them.

  On Friday afternoon, Murtagh Media finalized its acquisition of Radio Clash. Jesse set up a web conference so the staff in New York could be part of the final signing, and he shared a smile with his father and brother once the documents were notarized.

  After a celebratory dinner with the Clash staff, Jesse returned to the conference room for his things. He spied the fraudulent first aid box Nicola’s assistant had put together for him on the table and opened it eagerly. Inside, he found various boxes of goofy bandages, both plastic and confectionary. There were pairs of plastic spectacles, sugar-encrusted tongue depressors, chocolate buttons in every color and other packets of sweets. Jesse sifted through it all, struck by an immediate impulse to share them with Dylan and Sadie, and missed home so much, his breath caught.

  His phone rang, the White Stripes’ Seven Nation Army ringing through the deserted office, and Jesse set the box down. He connected the call with a grin.

  “Hey, Sara!”

  “Jes? Where are you right now?”

  He frowned. His sister-in-law didn’t sound right. “At the office. I’m about to head back to the hotel. Are you okay?”

  “No. No, I’m not. How soon can you get back to New York?”

  The hairs on the back of his neck rose at the waver in Sara’s voice. “What’s going on? Are you and the baby okay?”

  “We’re both fine, but Eric isn’t. We’re at the Emergency Department in NewYork–Presbyterian.”

  Oh, God.

  Jesse started gathering his things, his heart in his throat. “What happened?”

  “He felt a migraine coming on and left work early, but when I went to check on him, he couldn’t get up. He’s numb on one side, and his words are all mixed up.”

  Sara sobbed once, and the sound made Jesse’s stomach lurch.

  “He’s scared, Jes,” she murmured. “I am, too, and I know you’re busy in London, but you should be here. I’m sorry to call you like this—”

  “I’ll be there, sweetheart,” Jesse cut in gently. He hustled toward the door with his things. “I’m leaving right now, I’ll get my stuff, and I’ll be in the air as soon as I can, okay? Are Mom and Dad with you?”

  “No, they left for Los Angeles after your big meeting. I, um, talked to them a little while ago, and they’ll turn around as soon as they can get a flight out of LAX.”

  Shit. Sara and Eric were alone. Jesse’s thoughts immediately turned to his friends.

  He made a dash for the elevator. “I’m coming, Sara, and I’ll send someone to keep you company.”

  “Okay,” she said, her voice soft. “My folks are driving up from Baltimore, too.”

  Jesse pressed his lips thin. Sara’s meek acquiescence signaled her extreme stress, and he kept talking as he boarded the elevator. He still didn’t feel at all ready to think about what had happened to Eric, so Jesse shifted all his focus on getting his ass home.

  Chapter Eighteen

  “Oh, you are so dead!” Cam yelled. “So dead, you asshole. I am going to beat you to within an inch of your life and—”

  Kyle’s cackle was cut off by the sounds of You’re So Vain coming from his phone.

  Jesse’s ringtone.

  Cam froze and Kyle hit pause. “Give me a sec, Cam.”

  “Sure.” Cam set his controller aside and tried to look anywhere but at Kyle.

  “Hey, Jes. What’s up?” Kyle sat up straight. “What? Of course. Which hospital?”

  Hospital? Cam turned to look at Kyle. Shit. But who? Jesse? Oh, fuck, what if something’s happened to him? But Cam didn’t think he’d come back to New York yet. Plus, if he’s the one calling, it couldn’t be that bad, right? Sara? Maybe she’s gone into labor early. It was mid-July, and Cam felt sure she wasn’t due until October. Jesus, he hoped she and the baby were all right.

  Kyle fell silent for several moments and just listened. A deep frown furrowed his brow and he sounded grave when he spoke again. “Yes. I’ll head out right away.”

 
“Before you freak out, Jesse’s okay,” Kyle said and lowered the phone.

  “Sara?” Cam asked. He’d been worried about Jesse, but the idea of his sister-in-law and her baby being in trouble was nearly as concerning.

  “No. Eric.” Kyle stood and reached for his wallet where it sat on the coffee table. “He’s in the hospital. New York–Presbyterian. Sara’s with him, but Jesse asked if I’d go sit with her.”

  “Yeah, of course,” Cam said, standing too. “Do you think I should come?”

  “Yes,” Kyle said. “Come on. I’ll tell you more on the way. He’s at their Weill Cornell Medical Center campus in Lennox Hill, and that’ll take time on a Friday afternoon.”

  Cam nodded. “Public transit will take forever.”

  “I’m thinking a Lyft will be the fastest way to get there.”

  “Sounds good.”

  It took a few minutes to find a nearby Lyft, and once they were in the car, Cam turned to Kyle. “What happened to Eric?”

  “They don’t know,” Kyle said grimly. “He came home from work with a migraine, but now his speech is all mixed up and he’s numb on one side.”

  Cam blinked. He’d figured Eric had been in an accident. “That’s crazy. It sounds like a stroke, but he’s young and healthy.”

  “Yeah, they don’t know what’s going on. Jes is on his way to the airport now, but it’s going to take a while,” Kyle said. “Sara’s there. Her parents are on the way from Baltimore. The Murtaghs were going to California, but they’re flying back as soon as they can. And Jes said he’d call Carter, too.”

  “He must be going crazy not being here,” Cam said.

  “He is.”

  “You’re sure I’m not overstepping by showing up, too? My first instinct was to go and do what I can to help but…”

  “Trust me,” Kyle said. “You and Jesse have shit to work out, but there’s no better way to show him you care about him than by supporting his family.”

  Cam nodded. Kyle’s logic made sense. They were mostly silent for the rest of the ride to the hospital. Every time traffic slowed, Cam wanted to scream with frustration, and he couldn’t imagine how Jesse was faring, trapped at an airport, waiting for a plane to take him home.