Extra Dirty Page 20

  “It doesn’t matter what you say. I just want you to say something.”

  Cam wet his lips. “I’m sorry.”

  “I don’t want another fucking apology,” Jesse snapped. “I want to know what’s going on. You said you enjoyed what happened with Kyle but that it made you question things. Please explain because I don’t have a clue why you’re running all of a sudden. I’m making an effort here, but you’re not giving me any information. And I feel like an idiot because I don’t understand what happened, and you won’t tell me.”

  “Who would have thought I’d be the one to pull a runner, huh?” Cam joked. “I’m sure everyone’s money would be on you, under the circumstances.”

  “Under what circumstances?”

  Cam swallowed hard. As much as he didn’t want to have this conversation, it would happen anyway. “I…I care about you, Jesse. A lot more than I ever planned on. I wasn’t looking for anything beyond a hookup when we met, but things have changed for me.”

  Jesse regarded him in silence for a moment, clearly absorbing that information. “Okay. And the threesome with Kyle made you realize that?”

  “To some degree, yeah. You’ve told me where you stand on relationships. I didn’t expect to have feelings for you and it freaked me out. I couldn’t handle the idea of getting my heart broken, and it made sense for me to end it before it got worse, you know?”

  “Sure.” Jesse’s expression was serious. Far more serious than Cam had ever seen him. “I understand that.”

  “I’m sorry. I know that was never part of the plan.”

  “It wasn’t, no,” Jesse said slowly. “I wish you’d told me what was happening, though. I would have liked to have had a conversation about it instead of chasing you around half the boroughs to talk.”

  “Shit.” Cam rubbed his head. “You’re right. I’ve acted immaturely. I kinda panicked.”

  “Yeah, you did.” Jesse sounded tired and frustrated. Pain ran through Cam to know he’d been the one to hurt Jesse in the process. “So, let me be sure I understand what’s going on. What do you want from me, Cam? Commitment?”

  “I guess. I’m not sure what I want, but I know I can’t be one of a number of random people you pick from when you feel like it.” The conversation made Cam feel more and more ill by the second. “I know how you feel about being tied down. You don’t want anything like what your brother and Sara have, and I get it, Jes. The last thing I want is to ask you for things you can’t give me. Or that you might regret down the road.” Cam pulled in a deep breath, struggling to keep the emotion out of his voice. “I don’t want you to be anyone but yourself.”

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “I know.” Cam’s throat tightened again. “I veered off-script here, and I didn’t mean to. But I don’t see how I can keep doing this. Not when I want something you can’t give me. It’ll be too hard.”

  Jesse nodded. His sad expression made Cam’s chest ache.

  “Give me some time,” he said. “I don’t want to lose you as a friend, Jes, but right now it’s hard to see you and not want to be with you. I’ll be at Under next Thursday night, and we can hang out that way. I need a little space until then. Maybe that’ll make being friends a bit easier.”

  All Cam could do was hope.

  “Okay.” Jesse gave him a small smile that held none of its usual warmth. “Take care of yourself in the meantime, Cameron.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Despite his reputation as a careless rogue, Jesse was acutely aware of the emotions of those around him. From a young age, he’d been able to step into a room and gauge the emotional temperature of most of its inhabitants. He also possessed an innate understanding of the energies flowing between people and himself, and how to manage them to achieve his own and others’ goals.

  These skills made Jesse successful at school and in business, and had also helped him build the personal life he wanted. Because while he didn’t put stock in the typical normative alignments of sexual and gender identities, he understood and respected why most people clung to them.

  That’s why he couldn’t wrap his head around why things went so terribly wrong with Cam. Where had their signals crossed?

  “I don’t want you to be anyone but yourself.”

  Jesse’s stomach curled, like it did every time he remembered their last conversation. He wasn’t like most people. He’d been comfortable with that knowledge for a long time, and he never hesitated to be himself. So why did Cam’s words hurt so much?

  Because you started feeling like there might be more between you than fucking around, Jesse thought. That was true. Things with Cam had started to feel bigger and deeper, and Jesse hadn’t known how to handle any of it. Not that it mattered, of course—before he’d had a chance to start figuring it out, Cam was gone.

  Jesse pushed away from the desk in Under’s office and got to his feet. He paced, and God knows how many circuits he made of the room before the speakeasy’s passphrase phone chimed and stopped him in his tracks.

  Fuck.

  Jesse straightened the heavy black frames of his glasses with one hand. Under’s monthly private party had started almost forty minutes ago, and he needed to quit sulking and get out there. He and Kyle were celebrating the bar’s first anniversary tonight with the friends and family who’d been there from the beginning. This night—this whole year at the speakeasy—meant a great deal to both of them, especially Kyle. Jesse didn’t want to spoil that for him.

  He took a moment to throw away the uneaten sandwich Kyle had forced on him earlier and made his way out onto the floor. He moved among the familiar faces, greeting people with all the warmth he could muster. All Under’s staff were present, whether on duty or off. Malcolm and his brother Jackson were there, along with Carter’s sister and her husband. Astrid had come with Jarrod and Gale, and Eric stood near the bar with Jesse’s parents. Eric hugged him and gave him a kiss from Sara, who’d decided to keep the baby bump at home to watch Netflix. Harry and Ellen Murtagh hugged Jesse, too, after practically tearing themselves away from a conversation with Will and David.

  “Sorry to interrupt.” Jesse chuckled at his parents’ wide-eyed expressions. Hot damn if they didn’t appear star-struck by Senator Mori.

  “Oh, honey.” Ellen Murtagh laid a gentle hand on his cheek. Affection warmed her clear gray eyes. “We’ve been waiting twenty minutes for you to emerge from that office! Although, maybe you were out here all along—I almost didn’t recognize you with those glasses hiding your face.”

  Will’s lips twitched in amusement, and Jesse fought off a groan. Ellen had been saying almost those exact words about Jesse’s glasses for fifteen years, no matter what kind of frames he wore.

  “Eh, my eyes are too dry for contacts. Nothing I can’t handle. I see you’ve met the senator,” he added with a knowing grin for David. “Mom and Dad have been asking about you for ages.”

  “Because we were surprised our liberal son and his friends actually let you in the door,” Harry told David. “We assumed they’d mistaken you for someone else.”

  “I take it your political views run more conservative?” David asked. He raised his brows when all four Murtaghs burst out laughing.

  “Harry and Ellen here are so far left they’re almost full circle,” Eric replied. “They’ve been registered Democrats for over forty years.”

  Harry shrugged. His blue eyes, so like Jesse’s, gleamed at Eric. “As if you haven’t.”

  “I’m thirty-eight, Dad. So, no, I literally haven’t.”

  Jesse snickered at the way his father flapped a hand in their direction.

  “What about you, Jes?” Will furrowed his brow. “I assume you vote blue, but it’s not as if we’ve ever discussed it.”

  “You’re not allowed to discuss politics in polite company, William, or have you forgotten?” Jesse asked, his tone droll. “I vote the best way I see fit, but I’m currently between political parties.” He watched Will’s expression go flat.
r />   “Of course you are.”

  “Undeclared. Well, that figures, I suppose.” David sniffed. “You certainly do march to the beat of your own drum, don’t you?” Amused admiration crossed his face, but Jesse couldn’t find it in himself to smile back.

  “You’re one to talk, babe,” he replied. “And it’s not hard, with the current crop of presidential candidates.”

  Regret pulsed through Jesse when David’s face fell. Like many Republican moderates, David felt intensely conflicted about the turmoil evident within the GOP. Jesse suspected his friend struggled to envision his future in the party, and that was a sobering idea indeed, particularly during a night meant to be about celebration.

  He slipped an arm over David’s shoulders. “Time for a drink and a topic change,” he declared. Jesse sought out Will’s gaze, and they shared a smile. “I’ll send a round of trouble over while Will tells everyone all about Senator Sexy’s fantastic dance moves.”

  David’s cheeks flushed red. “I hate you so much,” he muttered over Will’s laughter, but he was chuckling when Jesse let him go.

  At the bar, Jesse found Carter and Riley seated with someone he didn’t recognize. They were watching Kyle at work with Masen, his second in command. Masen was agitating a shaker while Kyle addressed a line of tulip glasses. As always, he looked both beautiful and capable, but the line of Kyle’s shoulders seemed tense under his black shirt, and a slight frown marred his face. Jesse’s chest tightened. Kyle looked stressed, and that just would not do.

  He glanced up when Jesse drew close and his expression lightened, especially the shadows in his deep brown eyes. He stood straight, his fingers around the neck of a clear bottle filled with deep red liqueur, and smiled when Jesse extended a hand.

  “Need a hand, gorgeous?” Jesse asked.

  “I’d love one. I wondered if I’d see your handsome face,” Kyle replied. He handed Jesse the bottle and gestured to the tulips. “Three or four tablespoons in each, if you wouldn’t mind.”

  Working together, they turned out a half-dozen Kir Royale cocktails, lighting up Kyle’s homemade Crème de Cassis with pale gold champagne and fresh raspberries. They handed out the glasses, and the act lessened Jesse’s burden, as did the kiss Carter planted on his cheek and Riley’s pat on his shoulder.

  Kyle handed him a tulip. “I’m glad you’re here,” he said, his tone gentle. He tapped his glass to Jesse’s.

  “Not half as glad as I am that you are, too.” Jesse smiled. He was immensely grateful for Kyle and their friends, the two men grinning at him on the other side of the bar in particular.

  Make that three men on the other side of the bar because the stranger beside Riley was grinning, too. Jesse thought he also looked familiar with his dark hair and attractive features. Particularly his brown eyes, which were dark and framed by long, sooty lashes and strong brows.

  Jesse glanced at Kyle, who curled an arm around his waist. His friend looked excited, and Jesse abruptly noticed the man seated beside Riley looked a lot like…

  “Whoa.” Jesse’s mouth fell open, and the men around him burst into laughter.

  “Jes, this is my brother, Oliver,” Kyle said over the noise. He beamed as Jesse and Oliver shook hands. “Ollie, this is Jesse, my business partner—”

  “And partner in crime,” Oliver said at the same time as Jesse, prompting more amusement from the group.

  Jesse dropped Oliver’s hand and glanced between him and Kyle with genuine delight. He’d never met any of the McKees. Kyle’s father had passed away years ago, and his interactions with his mother were civil at best. He hadn’t been back to his tiny hometown of Swanton, Vermont in the almost two years Jesse had known him either, even during their trips to Eric and Sara’s second home near Burlington. However, Kyle spoke often with Oliver, who taught English as a Second Language in schools around the East Coast.

  Jesse poked Kyle in the ribs. “Dude, you should have told me your brother was coming.”

  “He didn’t know,” Oliver threw in. “He invited me, but I’ve been in North Carolina since April, and my schedule’s super hectic. I didn’t know if I’d get up here at all until yesterday.”

  “Then you’re a rock star for making it,” Jesse replied. “Especially since I take that to mean you drove eight hours?”

  “I took a bus, and it sucked.” Oliver nodded as the others groaned in sympathy.

  Jesse patted Oliver’s hand where it rested on the bar. “You definitely need another drink, my friend. And a hug, a good steak and maybe a session in a decon shower.”

  “I can help you with one of those things right now,” Kyle declared. He set down his glass and moved toward the racks of bottles, his eyes shining bright.

  * * * *

  Jesse’s mood mellowed as the evening went on. He wasn’t happy, exactly—there were too many jumbled-up feelings in his head to allow him to let go and enjoy himself. But it felt amazingly right to look around the speakeasy and recognize the fruits of his and Kyle’s work and allow the good spirits of his friends to buoy him along.

  He didn’t fool everyone, however. He’d caught Eric frowning at him a few times. And Carter gave him a searching kind of look when they joined Malcolm and Jackson in one of the seating areas. Kyle had been watching Jesse like a hawk, too. No surprise there. Cam’s disappearing act had left Jesse feeling unbalanced. His sleep had suffered and his appetite had disappeared, and being around other people’s drama made him feel more than a little stabby.

  At least I don’t have to deal with other people’s drama tonight, he thought, then immediately wanted to kick his own ass. Because that was the moment Cam showed his face again, and goddamn if he didn’t look fantastic in that stupid gray leather jacket he insisted on wearing despite the summer heat. Cam had a friend with him, too. A pretty red-haired girl with nice legs and what appeared to be a smoking body under her little black dress. Jesse could have sworn the king and queen of a Goth prom had rolled in the door, but he knew better.

  “Fuck a duck,” he muttered.

  “Oh boy.” Carter eyed Cam and his friend, who were chatting up Kyle at the bar. “She works at Midtown Academy, too, by the way. She’s the art teacher.”

  “Of course.” Jesse barked out a laugh. “What the hell kind of school do you send your kids to, man?”

  “One that belongs in a soap opera on the CW, apparently.” Carter swirled his limeade. Kyle had dressed it up with ginger and blackberries, and Carter appeared to be enjoying it very much.

  “You really watch that station?” Jesse asked.

  “I do when Sadie is in the house and Supergirl is on, yes.” Carter knocked shoulders with Jesse and tilted his head toward the bar. “You want me to run interference for you?”

  Jesse blew out a weary breath that did nothing to lessen the way his insides twisted. “Nah. Cam’s got every right to be here. He’s friends with Kyle and you and the other guys. He’s still my friend even if we’re not what I’d call friendly right now.”

  “Friends call each other,” Carter replied in a dry tone. “Sometimes, they check in to make sure everyone’s okay. Like, say, after they’ve been shouting at each other behind closed doors.” He lifted a brow at Jesse’s snort of laughter.

  “You know, you’re adorable when you’re playing Mama Bear.” Jesse patted his friend’s hand. “I did the shouting that day, and shame on me for losing my temper. Cam asked me to back off and give him space, so I did. We both needed time to cool off anyway.”

  Carter nodded. “Do you feel better now that you’ve cooled off?”

  “Nope.” Jesse swallowed a healthy sip of the Rusty Nail he’d been nursing and watched Cam and his friend approach.

  “Hey, guys.” Cam’s manner seemed a touch hesitant, and his gaze skipped over Jesse, as if trying to avoid direct eye contact. The same couldn’t be said of his friend, who stared at Jesse with undisguised curiosity.

  He showed them both a smile. “Hey, Red. Long time, no see.”

  “Uh, yeah.�
�� Cam cleared his throat. “Kyle told me tonight was more than the usual get-together and I didn’t want to miss it. Congratulations on your first year,” he added. He finally met Jesse’s eye and the sincerity in his expression eased the knots inside Jesse a little.

  “Thanks. It’s nice to be able to celebrate Kyle’s hard work.” Jesse stood and offered his hand to the girl at Cam’s side. “I’m Jesse Murtagh. Welcome to Under.”

  The girl smiled and shook his hand, and Cam’s face flushed a hectic shade of red. “Oh, jeez, my bad,” he said. “Jesse, this is my friend Taryn Guillory.”

  “It’s nice to meet you,” Taryn said. “I hope it’s all right I crashed your party,” she added. “I sort of forced myself on Cam when he told me about the party tonight.”

  “Cam’s friends are welcome, of course,” Jesse replied.

  Cam licked his lips. “Taryn and I work together at Midtown Academy,” he said.

  “Yes, Carter mentioned that.” Jesse watched with interest as Cam grew even more flustered. Taryn turned a grin Carter’s way without missing a beat.

  “Hi, Mr. Hamilton.”

  “Hello, Miss Guillory,” Carter replied with a wave. “Ri—er, Mr. Porter-Wright should be along soon if you haven’t seen him yet.” Carter then introduced Taryn to Malcolm and his brother, which left Jesse and Cam staring at each other.

  Jesse stepped away from the sofa and waved Taryn toward his seat. He raised his eyebrows at Cam then pointed at an empty table nearby, hoping to give them some privacy and keep things minimally awkward.

  “How are you, Jes?” Cam’s expression became somber. “I like… I didn’t know you wore glasses.”

  Okay, things were actually maximally awkward.

  “I don’t wear them unless the mood strikes me or my eyes are dry,” Jesse replied. “And I’m well, thanks. How’ve you been?”

  “I’ve been okay. Busy wrapping up the school year and figuring out how much I can work over the summer.”

  “Oh, yeah? What are your options—summer school and that kind of thing?”